


I Swear

by Ramenmustachio



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2017-12-24 23:16:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramenmustachio/pseuds/Ramenmustachio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU- after the 1983 "quit you" argument, Ennis gets a phone call that leads him to Jack. There might not be a 'sweet life' left for them, but they've sure as hell got to try for one. <br/>DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended, all Annie P. characters are not mine.  </p><p>** ANGST WARNING*** (Happy ending guaranteed.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can't Fix it, Can't Stand it

May 18, 1983

"I can't stand this anymore Jack!" Ennis breathed out between sobs. His dark haired lover had his strong and comforting arms wrapped around him, crushing Ennis to his chest as he heaved.

"Damn you Ennis, damn you." Jack muttered the statement quietly, like a mantra or a prayer, his warm and comforting breath tickling Ennis' ear. When Ennis had to time to reflect back on the statement, he realized those words were all that stopped Jack from sobbing right there with him.

"Ennis, I ain't quittin' on ya. Cut out yer bawlin' so we can have a talk."

"I just can't stand this!" Ennis whimpered, pressing his face into Jack's left shoulder, his nose detecting hints of his familiar scent.

"Sshh cowboy. Enough. We gotta talk 'bout this." Jack said softly, his voice more calm and firm.

Ennis pulled back slightly, his cheeks were ruddy and his nose was dripping like a faucet. The tears in his eyes danced dangerously close to the edges, waiting to spill over. He drew in a few quick and calculated breaths, trying to compose himself.

"Bud, we should move. My ass is sore from supportin' you." Jack smiled up at him, his eyes filled with a strange sense of hope.

_Maybe now that he can't stand it, we can finally fix it!_ He thought optimistically, hoping that they would never need to part again after today.

Jack's tan and calloused hand was grasped by Ennis' and the two cowboys walked over to Jack's truck.

"Get in for a tic, so we can talk this through." Jack said quietly, afraid that his lover wouldn't comply.

"Jack… I gotta get back. I need a roof o'er my head. Those fuckin' ranch hands will rat me out if I'm late." Ennis snapped, his anger flaring again. He couldn't stand to be angry with Jack anymore, but he could be angry at his circumstances in life.

"Bud, I can sport you the cash, if you need it. But we ain't leavin' until we talk this here situation through. Don't fuckin' treat me like some shit on your shoe." Jack retaliated, gentle at first and biting by the time he concluded.

_Ennis Del Mar, don't fuckin' play this game with me._ He thought. 

"I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKIN' MONEY!" Ennis erupted, his rage and sorrow blasting Jack as the words stepped across the threshold of his tongue.

Jack looked at Ennis with absolute heartbreak. He couldn't believe that this might be the end.

"I'm sorry Jack, but you can't just 'spect me to take your money like some cheap whore. I ain't no woman and I certainly ain't no whore. But we both know that you got no qualms 'bout payin' for… people." Ennis' tone was deathly quiet as he spoke; his emotions were so conflicting.

Jack snapped-Ennis' mood swings were too much for him.

"FUCK YOU ENNIS. We coulda had a real sweet life, like I said 'fore all this sobbin' started. But you ruined that for me. You say that you ain't queer, and maybe you ain't. But I sure as hell am. I can't just sit around waiting for the six months before I see you again. I ache for you, for your touch, your kiss… I need you. I need… love." Jack now was crying, his angry rant had turned sad within seconds, and his melancholy was filling up his heart.

"Jack…" Ennis was dumbfounded.

_Jack ain't queer. He's like me. He just don't know what this thing is…_

"Lemme finish. I gotta get this out." Jack admonished, turning a resigned stare towards his lover.

_I hope this don't freak him out… fuck it, I need to tell him._ He thought. 

"I love you, Ennis Del Mar. I always have and I always will." Jack said, clear as day and looking at Ennis out of the corner of his eye.

Ennis' jaw dropped, and he did something he promised Jack he would never do again-he punched him right between the eyes.

May 20th, 1983

Jack was sitting glumly in his old leather recliner. He had had a large supper with Lureen and Bobby, accompanied by several beers. Neither his wife nor his child made a comment on his increasing dependency on alcohol. As the years ticked past, Jack needed more and more booze to get through the day without collapsing. He was drowning his need for Ennis with drink, and he didn't give a damn if it killed him.

_Might be easier if I just shot myself…_ he mused drunkenly. He would have to think about that later, when he was drunker. He didn't think he could deal with thoughts of Ennis right now.

The suicidal thoughts were unrelenting. He had them almost every day, and he could feel himself sinking into a deep depression. Thoughts of his daddy and his belt, flashes of every time he had been abused and neglected by his parents flew to the front of his mind every time he thought about ending his miserable life.

_Ennis don't want me, not after that punch. Can't believe I grew the balls to finally tell him._

Just then, somebody knocked at the door.

"JACK! GET OFF YER BUTT AND ANSWER DOOR!" Lureen called from the kitchen.

Jack grumbled as he accidentally kicked over his whiskey on the way to the door.

"Whad'ya want?" He slurred, his eyes cloudy.

"You." Ennis said, smiling shyly down at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest reader-  
> Thank you for giving the first chapter of my little story a chance. As the tale progresses the chapters will get larger, I know that this one and the subsequent two are somewhat short. Leave a comment if you'd like, I would appreciate all thoughts and opinions. Thank you. (:


	2. Across the Threshold

Jack's mouth almost hit the floor. "Wha… Ennis… the hell you doin' here?" Jack whispered, the alcohol impeding his brain functions.

This good lookin' cowboy couldn't be standing on his doorstep. This had to be some kind of dream, some weird hallucination.

"Er… well… like I said 'fore… I'm standin' here… for… eh… you." Ennis mumbled, his tanned face turning bright pink.

"JACK! WHO IS IT?" A woman called from inside the house, and Jack flinched briefly. . _Must be Lureen_ Ennis thought. Jack remained silent, seemingly lost in thought.

 _This ain't like him; he's never so quiet… does he still want me?_ Ennis' heart was thumping like he had run the whole way there; he was terrified of Jack's reaction. _If he rejects me, I won't be able to live another day without him._

"Listen bud, I'm real sorry 'bout that punch. I know I told you that I wouldn't never punch you again, but I was… I was real pissed you'd tell me that. My head ain't been on straight lately." Ennis let the words fall out of his mouth as quickly as possible, before he had a chance to think about them.

"Honey… who's this?" A feminine voice trilled behind Jack.

A woman met Ennis' eyes. Her hair was obviously not naturally the platinum blonde it was dyed, but it suited her. She wore lots of makeup, which made Ennis think she was doing it for Jack. Her thick lips were trussed up in harlot red lipstick, and a flowered button down, blue jeans, and navy blue suede cowgirl boots accented her curves nicely. _Damn she's gorgeous. She's probably all dressed up for him, tryin' to please him 'n all…_ Ennis thought absent-mindedly.

Her gaze turned cold when a look of understanding flashed across her face. She reached to put her hand on Jack's shoulder, but he shrugged it off immediately. 

"This is my ol' friend Ennis del Mar." Jack slurred, trying to clear his mind.

He had had a lot of whiskey and some beers by the time Ennis showed up. He felt like he was going to either vomit or pass out any moment now. _Damn his drinkin'! This ain't the right time t'be drunk!_ Ennis thought furiously, now deeply concerned for his lover.

"Pleased to meet you Mr. del Mar. Jack never shuts up about you." She said. 

She extended a pale and manicured hand towards him, pain resounding on her face.

"Yes'm, it's nice to meet ya. Jack certainly knows how to wag his tongue."

Both of them turned to Jack expectantly, but he had turned a weird shade of green. "Ennis…" He moaned, and then fell face first onto the foyer floor.

* * *

 

 Jack woke up to a familiar smell; the scent of rich leather, cheap aftershave and sweet hay. Jack immediately identified this as Ennis' scent. Thinking he was still in a dream, he coasted endlessly on the small puff of joy that aroma gave him.

"Mmm… baby…" He moaned softly, curling tightly into the couch _. Wait a minute… the couch? Why'm I on the damn couch? SHIT!_ Suddenly everything came flying back to him and his eyes jerked open, hardly daring to believe that Ennis was here, sitting in his house.

"Hey there sleepyhead." A familiar voice came from the armchair next to him.

"En… what're you doin' here?! How long have I been out've it? Is Lureen pissed?"

He felt like shit, so when he tried to sit up as he said this, his stomach decided to rid itself of its contents. Before Ennis could respond to his inquisition, he was up and running to the bathroom.

"Jack!"

Ennis sprinted after him, vaguely noticing some family photos as he passed down the lushly carpeted hall. Ennis walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, kneeling beside his blue-eyed friend as he gagged into the toilet. Jack was throwing up for a long time, about fifteen minutes. Ennis was horrified and trying to keep himself composed in front of Jack. _I'm the reason he's like this_ , he thought. _I ruined him. I broke the only person I ever loved._ When Jack was seemingly finished, he collapsed backwards and fell onto the floor, his aching head hitting the cool tiles and looking for comfort. 

"I'll go 'n get ya some water, 'kay?" He asked, rubbing Jack's arm gently.

Jack smiled weakly and stayed where he was, waiting for Ennis to leave so he could break down. The click of the door shutting gave him solace enough to let his emotions out. For the first time since Ennis had rejected him after his divorce, Jack really sobbed. His whole body was wracked with heaving, heavy gasps. _Does this mean he wants me? What does he mean when he says he's here fer me? Iff'n I do go with him, will he ever tell me he loves me? Does he love me? He must, the way the he'll look at me sometimes… he's gotta. Shit, this'll tear Lureen up bad… or will it? I know she's been cheatin' on me since Bobby was a toddler, maybe if I leave she'll have freedom. She certainly ain't stayin' for the sex… Bobby'll be better off without me, I've been a shitty daddy. God I love Ennis… I hope this means what I think it does…_  

* * *

 

Ennis made his way back down the hall, eager to get Jack some water. He passed a family photo and stopped. This picture seemed to be the earliest one taken of all three of them, before Jack put on weight or grew his mustache. Lureen's hair was brown in this picture, and Bobby was clearly a newborn. Lureen was smiling at the camera, her baby boy swaddled tightly in a blue blanket. Her eyes were alive and happy, her face looked more young and flamboyant than he had seen. _This must've been 1966… three years after we parted..._  Ennis thought, his eyes scanning Jack. Jack looked like he did in his younger days, slim, muscular and very handsome. His blue eyes were twinkling at the camera, a joyous smile pulled at his lips. But if Ennis stared at his face for long enough, he could see a hint of sadness in his expression. His smile didn't reach his eyes, and his brows were decidedly set. This picture caused Ennis more pain than he thought it would. He didn't like seeing Jack's happy little family, knowing that this son was the fruit of Jack's loins… with a woman. He knew that Jack was never truly happy with his family life, but in this picture he looked happier than he had been in years.

As he turned sharply and approached the kitchen, he heard a sneer.

"Is that cowboy the fag dad goes "fishing" with?" A teenaged voice whispered.

"Bobby! How many times I gotta tell ya? Your father and his personal life are none o' yer business young man. I don't care what your granddaddy says about him, he's my husband, and he loves you." Lureen admonished in a furious whisper.

 _They know_. Fear gripped Ennis like a vice, he felt like he was dying. His knees started to shake, and he was afraid he was going to faint. _Did Jack tell 'em? Why in the name of Christ would he do that? I ain't no fag, I ain't even queer!_ Making up his mind, he walked into the kitchen, his fear turning into fury in the blink of an eye. His fists were clenched, and he stood in the doorway glaring at the back of Bobby's head. "Listen here!" He said, vehemence dripping from his voice.

"I ain't no godamn faggot, and I certainly ain't a queer. So you can stop your whisperin' and respect your mama before I give you a good hidin'!" To his horror, a mini Jack turned around and looked at him. He looked like he could be Jack's twin, not his son. Large, fearful blue eyes met his and he flushed.

"Yessir… my apologies."

He gave Bobby the evil eye and then walked over to Lureen. "Jack's gettin' sick in there. Can I trouble you for a cup o' water?"

"Oh of course." She said, no emotion in her voice. "His own damn fault, I swear that man is gonna drink himself to his grave."

She said, filling a plastic cup with water and handing it to Ennis.

"He get that drunk often?" He asked, he hadn't seen Jack _that_ drunk since… the night  they had sex the first time.

"Pretty much every evenin'. Can't hardly go more'n an hour without a beer. He breaks the whiskey out after supper. Been like that fer a few years." She muttered, clearly ashamed of her husband.

Ennis shook his head sadly, took the cup and murmured a "much appreciated ma'am." His knock at the door caused Jack to panic, he still hadn't stopped sobbing. Quickly and desperately wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he sniffled and leaned against the wall of the tub. Ennis pretended not to notice Jack's tears as he handed him the cup.

"Here ya go bud." He glanced anxiously over at Jack and gave him a shy smile.

"Thanks, En." Jack sipped the water slowly, staring at Ennis. 

After he finished, Ennis wordlessly dug around in his jacket pocket before handing him a stick of gum. Jack nodded his thanks before placing it on his tongue like a communion wafer. 

"So…" he started. Ennis cut him off with a proclamation that shook him to the core.

"I'm here to ask you to leave Lureen, Jack. I want you to come and live with me. I want that sweet life. I done a lot of ponderin' on how happy we could be. I want you Jack. I ain't got nothin' in my life, 'cept for you and the girls. An… I know that I ain't the best with words, but you gotta know that I feel real strong about you." Ennis finished his softly murmured and rushed speech and gazed at Jack.

"Yes." Jack said, looking at him with fondness in his eyes.

"Yes… yes what? I just fuckin' poured my heart out t'you, spoke more'n I have in years, and all you gotta say to me is yes?"  Jack smirked at him, his tears drying fast.

" Yes, I will live with you. Yes I know you "feel real strong 'bout me.'" Jack grinned his shit-eating smile at him, and Ennis couldn't control his joy.

He hurried over to Jack and swept him up into his arms. Their foreheads were inches apart, their noses brushing in soft, longing nuzzles. The electric charge between their gazes was so strong and so passionate that their breaths mirrored each other. Ennis kissed the black bruise between Jack's eyes, murmuring an apology. Slowly, his hands moved up Jack's back, hanging onto his shirt like it was a lifeline. The two men rose, their gaze unbroken. Soon their lips met, and it felt like it had been decades since their last kiss, not days. Jack moaned into his mouth, and Ennis didn't care that he tasted like sour breath, old whiskey, peppermint and cigarettes. He thought it was the best thing he'd ever tasted, since it was coming from Jack fuckin' Twist. Jack's hands wandered down Ennis' back to cup his ass, and the kiss turned to one filled with passion and desire. Ennis gently pressed his tongue into Jack's mouth, and the two began to battle for dominance, sliding against each other. Both cowboys were highly aroused, and the fact that each could feel the other's arousal was not helping the matter. 

"Mmm…" Ennis groaned, committing this kiss to memory.

"Love you." Jack whispered against his lips.

BAM! The sound of a gunshot broke their kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to apologize for the formatting of this chapter- I'm still getting used to this website.


	3. Rifles and Revelations

May 18, 1983

Ennis was sitting in his dusty old living room, staring blankly at his chipped white wallpaper.

 _Jack… loves me._ No matter how wrong he felt their relationship was, those three words were causing a tidal wave of euphoria to crest in his belly.

 _How can he love me? I ain’t as smart as he is, Lord knows I can’t talk like he can! I ain’t much t’look at, skinny and tall as I am… how can he love me when I ain’t even queer? How can Jack love a man who can hardly string a sentence together? Half the time we’re together he does all the talkin’. I can’t even tell him how strong I feel on him!_ Ennis tried unsuccessfully to push these thoughts away from his consciousness; they would only lead to more despair.

Try as he may, one little thought was niggling at the back of his mind. This was the thought that scared him the most, the thought that he had been driving away all of his life.

_Am I queer? Does… lovin’ a man make me queer?_

There were two petrifying things in this thought: the fact that he was questioning his sexuality, and the fact that he was admitting his love for Jack. Deep down, Ennis knew that he loved Jack. The question was- did that make him gay?

_Iffn’ I do love Jack, which I reckon I must… do that mean I never loved Alma? ‘Cause I think I loved her, ‘fore I met him. It weren’t never the same, but it was definitely more’n a crush. How can I be queer if I had feelins’ for a woman? I don’t really like tits, and the sex with Jack has always been mind-blowin’…_

The sharp ring of his telephone cut off this trail of thought.  
“Hello?” He grumbled, angry that someone would call him this late in the evening. It was almost midnight for Christ’s sake!

“Hello.” A soft female voice said.

“Who’s this?” Ennis asked.

“ Am I speakin’ to Ennis Del Mar?” The voice blatantly ignored his question.

“ Yeah you’re speakin’ to me. I’d like to know who the hell might be callin’ me at this ungodly hour!”

_Could be a marketer, but they don’t call this damn late._

“Excuse me young man, my name is Jane Twist. If you could straigh’n out your tone of voice, I’d kindly ‘preciate it.”

_Twist… this has gotta be Jack’s mama! Why the fuck is she callin’ me? How does she even know who I am? Does she know ‘bout me n’ Jack? Why the fuck would he tell her that? Shit! Is Jack okay? I know I punched him, but it weren’t that hard! Oh so help me Jesus, if that man is hurt, I won’t never forgive m’self._

“I sure am sorry ‘bout my tone ma’am. You just caught me at an unexpected time. What can I do ya for? Is Jack alright?”

“Apology accepted. T’is kinda late, but I figured you would have a whole lot o’ drivin’ to do, comin’ back n’ all.”

_So she knows we go to Brokeback... is Jack up at Lightin’ Flat like usual? Is that the real reason why she’s callin’?_

“Yes’m, took me a while.” 

There was a moment of palpable silence on the other line, like she was making her mind up about something. 

“Listen… Jacky came home today with a big ol’ shiner. I can reckon who gave my boy that punch, but I ain’t gonna go throwin’ stones. So I’m gonna ask you- do you know who punched my boy?”

_Holy fuck. This woman knows about the punch! Thank God Jack made it home okay. How does she reckon it’s me? How much could she possibly know?_

“Well… uh… ma’am…. I punched Jack. ‘M real sorry.”

“Ennis… do you mind if I call you that?”

Ennis made an affirmative grunt into the receiver.

“Ennis, I know everythin’. Jack told me this afternoon while his daddy was out plowin’ the field."

Ennis sucked in a breath.

_WHAT? She knows? She knows that I been fuckin’ her boy? She knows that we both been unfaithful to our wives? Why in the name of Christ would Jack tell her that stuff? That’s personal, that’s none o’ her business! Oh God, I’m ruined! It’ll be all over town by now… the tire irons’ll be swingin’ my way by morning!_

“Don’t get upset. I ain’t judgin’ you or him. I’ve had my suspicions for years. Jack’d come back from your trips so sad, but the times when he’d stop by before, he’d be happier than a kid on Christmas. He used to talk ‘bout ya all the time. Some days I feel like I know you more’n I know him. I’m callin’ cause he’s asleep right now and I need to talk to ya. I got a favor to ask you.”

Ennis was stunned by this speech. _How can she not care? What we do ain’t normal, ain’t natural! He’s cheatin’ on his wife with me! My mama woulda slapped me if she knew who I liked to sleep beside! She must really love him._

“I’m sorry ma’am, I dunno what to say. I ain’t much with words. But I surely appreciate it. I hope Jack’s doin’ okay. Whatever you gotta ask, please do.”

“S’alright Ennis, you don’t gotta worry ‘bout no flowery speeches ‘round me. Jack ain’t been alright at all. He’s been gettin’ sadder ‘n sadder all the time. The last few years, I ain’t seen him smile once. He sits there ‘n lets his daddy bully him, and he ain’t done that since he was a little boy. He gets real quiet, and a few times I heard him cryin’ in his room. This evenin’, I caught him sittin’ here at the kitchen table with a knife in front o’ him. I bet you can reckon what he was thinkin’ of… I told him that if he didn’t tell me what was goin’ on, I was gonna go back to Texas with him. He told me everythin’. How you fellas met, the postcards… and your argument that you had. He seems ta think that your punch meant that you didn’t wanna see him no more. He told me that he loves you so much, he can’t stand to live without you. I c’n see it in his eyes, plain as mornin’. He loves you somethin’ fierce. I ain’t never loved nobody like he loves you. So I’m callin ta ask you… be good to my boy. He’s had a real hard life, I dunno if he’s told you the whole story ‘bout his childhood… I’ll leave that up t’him. But the only way I reckon this will get better is if you treat my boy right. Give him a chance. I know that you’re real scared somethin’ will happen to the two o’ you, and I can’t guarantee that nothin’ will. But I wanna tell you somethin’ my brother used to say. He used ta tell me that I better “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin.’” I think you need to take that advice. ‘Cause right now, my son is preparin’ to die.”

Ennis was shocked by this speech. She was right, and this made sense to him. Jack needed him, needed him badly. And suddenly it all hit him like a speeding bullet: _I love Jack, and if I can claim t’love him, it makes me queer. ‘N if I love him, that means his happiness is more important than my own. I gotta go ‘n help him. If he were to hurt himself… I wouldn’t know what to do. I hate my life now, I hate my job, I even hate my house. It’s time to put someone else ‘fore myself. I can do this. I’m scared as hell, but I can fuckin’ do this!_

“Ma’am… I love your son. I ain’t been able t’say it ta him, but I swear I do. I reckon it’s time I do right by him. How long is he stayin’ there?”

“I’m glad t’hear it, Jacky’s stayin’ the night, then hitchin’ a plane back to Texas in the morning. He’ll be back in Childress by late afternoon. If you’re thinkin’ of goin’ ta him, I reckon you’ll need to get in the car pretty soon. So I’ll say goodnight. I’m sorry to spring all this on ya, but I love my son too much ta let this slide. You take care.”

“Thank you kindly ma’am. G’night.”

Ennis slammed the phone down, already rising from his seat. He whipped through his house like a tornado, packing some food and a change of clothes into a bag.

_I’m comin’ for ya Jack, don’t do nothin’ stupid._

* * *

 

May 20th, 1983

Ennis and Jack were flying down the hallway, both startled by this gunshot. The scene that met them when they reached the living room was one that shocked both men.

Bobby was standing at the end of the stairs, Jack’s hunting rifle grasped firmly between his hands. His right hand was inches away from the trigger, and the barrel was pointing towards a figure in the doorway. His eyes had a maddened and furious look to them. Lureen stood several feet away, both hands clasped over her mouth in fear. She was as straight as a telephone pole, her spine rigidly countering her shaking palms.

  
“GET THE HELL OUTTA MY HOUSE! YOU WANNA THREATEN’ MY DADDY? BACK AWAY NOW, OLD MAN. YOU AIN’T MY GRANDPA NO MORE!” Bobby shouted at the shadowy figure in the doorway.

 _Christ, that must be L.D!_ Ennis thought.

The man backed away an inch, and the porch light revealed him to be who Ennis suspected. His eyes were beady, and his girth was massive. His small mouth was agape, clearly shocked by his son’s reaction.

Ennis cut his eyes over to Jack, who was staring at his son like he had grown a third leg.

“Bobby…” Jack started, trying to approach.

“Dad, stay out of this. I’m sick of this man callin’ you a faggot. He’s been pourin’ these ideas into my brain since I was a little kid, I can’t stand it no more! I even ended up callin’ Mr. del Mar that name, and I’m deeply ashamed! He’s the reason why I’m so mixed up!” Bobby gesticulated towards L.D.

“Son, he don’t mean no harm. He’s your granddaddy, and I’m sure this can be settled without my gun!” Jack said, his tone berating, but there was a hint of pride in it as well.

“No dad, it cain’t! He came bargin’ in here, sayin’ that he was gonna kill you fer havin’ your man in this house. He said he was gonna “wring your neck with his bare palms.” And mama just stood there and let him say those things! I am sick of this bullshit! I love you, and I am tired of bein’ told how filthy you are. You ain’t filthy, you’re my dad!” Bobby was tearing up as he finished his tirade, and Jack found his eyes misting as well.

 _I’ll be damned… L.D. ain’t got my son in his clutches. He loves me. Why couldn’t he say that all along_?

“I said that he’s disgustin’ ‘cause he is. He’s goin’ straight ta hell.” L.D. muttered, clearly not feeling threatened anymore.

Before any of the people in the living room could react, Bobby had fired a second warning shot, the bullet whizzing past L.D’s face.

“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” He whispered, eerily quiet.

L.D turned to Jack and Ennis and seemed to size them up. Ennis had turned a dark shade of red, his hands fisting by his sides. He was reigning in his temper.

“If I see either of you cocksuckers anywhere near this house by mornin’ I will come back with my own gun and shoot you dead.”He said, and then he turned and bolted down the steps.

All of them stood frozen, waiting for the sound of L.D’s tires peeling away. Once he departed, Bobby dropped the gun and ran into Jack’s arms.

Jack enveloped his boy in a spine-crushing hug, holding him as tightly as he could.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Jack’s whispered words cloaked the room in a sense of calm.

Ennis and Lureen glanced at each other awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Little did either know, but they were both now yearning for Jack to say those things to them. 

Bobby and Jack broke apart a few moments later, and Bobby looked at Ennis and muttered a “sorry” before heading up to his room, no doubt to process this emotional high.

“I told you t’lock up that gun!” Lureen said, anger flaring as she glared at Jack.

Jack sighed, placing his hands on his hips.

“Lureen, we gotta talk.” He ignored her comment as he looked at her. She was  pretty as ever, her age barely showing. Her face was a jumble of emotions: anger, sadness, concern and empathy.

“I know that you’re leavin’ me Jack.” She said, her voice emotionless.

“Lureen… I didn’t want this to happen the way it did.” Jack sighed, staring at his boots.

Ennis felt like he was intruding, and he went to depart.

“I’ll uh… I’ll go and sit in the kitchen.” He muttered, wanting to get away from this awkward conversation.

 _Jack wants me! He wants to make this work!_ A cacophony of inexplicable joy was exploding in his soul.

* * *

 

Jack and Lureen spoke for a long time, most of which Ennis didn’t hear.

Jack wandered back into the kitchen, looking tired and sad.

“Hey there cowboy.” He murmured as he grabbed a mug out of the cupboard.

“Hay is fer horses.” Ennis muttered, trying to cheer Jack up.

“Well you would know all ‘bout horses, now wouldn’t ya?”

Both men chuckled good-naturedly.

“Jack… does this mean what I think it means?”

“What do ya think it means?”

“Well… I’m hopin’ it means you’re comin’ with me.”

Jack’s face split into a grin, his eyes scrunching a little.

“Cowboy, where else would I be goin’?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear reader,  
> Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this little tale. I'm not the best at updating, and work is getting crazy. That said, I intend to have a bi-weekly update process, and the chapters from here on out will be more substantial. I just needed to lay the groundwork for the story before I really took off with it. I hope you are enjoying my writing style and narrative, please feel free to leave feedback and reviews. 
> 
> -ramenmustachio xxx


	4. Reconciliation

_I Swear: A Brokeback Mountain Fanfiction_

_Jack and Ennis_

_Chapter Four: Reconciliation_

_*Please note the rating on this story before proceeding any further._

             Jack moved past Ennis and thunked up the carpeted stairs noisily, his footsteps echoing across the hall. 

_Jack fuckin’ Twist, can’t keep his damn feet quiet, even on carpeting!_  Ennis though absent-mindedly. Upstairs, he heard a door squeak and then a muffled “Get out Dad!” _He needs to teach his kid a lesson ‘r two. My gals wouldn’t hardly ever speak to their Pa that way._ Suddenly, a thought dawned on Ennis. _Did he even want the kid? Did he marry Lureen cuz he got her knocked up? It’d make a helluva lot more sense. He’s always been more… open about… the things we do together._  Perhaps Ennis wasn’t as accepting as he thought he was.

There was a dainty sniffle that echoed across the room as he turned to see Lureen standing there. She looked awful. Her peroxide-ed hair was all askew, mascara smudged into  black dried up riverbeds down the plains of her cheek. Her skin was frighteningly pale, and had an ugly and plastic shine to it. She looked a little bit like a Southern clown to him.

“Ma’am.” Ennis said nervously, getting up from his seat.

“I dunno why I’m cryin’.” She said, sitting down in his vacated chair. Ennis tried to get as far away from this woman as he could possibly get. He ended up backed against the counter, a corner of it sticking straight into his lower back. 

“I known all along, ya see?” She drawled, producing a joint from her pocket.  _Jesus, what in the hell did Jack say ta her? This is all my fault._

“Got a light?” She turned her round and shining brown eyes to him, a look of crazed desperation and acceptance in them.

He silently handed her his matchbook, cringing slightly when their fingers touched.

“Thank ya kindly.” She struck the match with a loud _scrrttch_ sound and lit the sweet-smelling cigarette.

“I ain’t had one o’ these in a while.” She sighed, coughing slightly.

Ennis cleared his throat awkwardly, leaning his chin down to rest on his collarbone as his lips pursed into a tight, straight, little frown.

“He ain’t never loved me. Cain’t ‘spect him to, since I ain’t loved him neither.” She said passively, her eyes now turning a little pink.“See, he was a rodeo stud. He weren’t nothin’ like the others. He had this kinda… kindness to him. He was real gentle, like a fuckin’ lamb or somethin’. Ya know?” She looked at Ennis expectantly, and he buried himself deeper into his coat.

“Hah! Of course ya know. Silly me.” She muttered, turning back to her joint.

“I used to know.” Ennis whispered softly.

“Why don’tcha know anymore? Has he really changed that much?” She asked, almost like they we were talkin’ about the damn weather.

“He ain’t been too… happy lately.” Ennis said, growing more and more uncomfortable about the subject matter. _He ain’t happy ‘cuz of me. I fucked all this up! Is the old Jack even there anymore?_

“Well that’s his own fault, not yours. Are ya happy?”

_She’s brushin’ aside the fact that I ruined her husband’s life like it was a story on the news._

“Ma’am, I’m real sorry.” Ennis said, looking guiltily down to the carpet.

She sniffed, ignoring the apology. Instead, she began to try to rub out a scuff on her shoe, scrunching her nose at it like it was the most offensive thing she’d ever seen.

“I been cheatin’ on that damn fool man since the year Bobby turned three. Ya would think he’d notice when I came home smellin’ like cologne, or drunk, or maybe even with a hickey on my neck? Nah, he was blind as a bat by then. He was always talkin’ about “Brokeback Mountain” and “the good ol’ days” and “Ennis del Mar…”

 Ennis finally looked at her, and saw her for the vain and broken woman she was. She didn’t deserve this. But neither did Jack. _Wonder if she’d be this way if she’d married somebody diff’rent. At least Alma and I got away from each other. These two are tearin’ themselves apart._

“I’m real sorry.” Ennis apologized again

She looked at him vacantly, her eyes inanimate and watery.

“I didn’t know he was… like that.” _She has a hard time sayin’ it too. ‘Least I ain’t the only one._ “Not for a long time.” She paused, taking the last puff of her joint before snubbing it in a lavender ashtray. “First time I ever suspected was when Bobby was five. Jack weren’t too good in the bedroom after our honeymoon, and sometimes he’d cry a little afterwards. Course, he’d never admit it, but I saw it…always seemed to feel like he was picturin’ somebody else.” She looked at Ennis, and all of her hurt and anger seemed to zing across the room in that glacial stare.

“Then, one day, after one of yer “fishin’" trips,” he starts moanin’ in his sleep. Not the good kind neither. So I turn myself onto my side, facin’ him, ya see?”

She held up her hands in front of her clown-face, mirroring each other like two people lying face to face.

“Anyways, I start tryin’ ta wake him, ‘cause he gets these real bad nightmares, sometimes about his Daddy. Well, you probably know more ‘bout that than I.”

_What’s she talkin’ ‘bout? Jack ain’t never had no nightmares, that’s usually me. Jack’s daddy was a mean ol’ sumbitch, but it cain’t have been that bad… not like my daddy._

“… so he wakes up and he looks real scared. So I put my hand on his face, tryna calm him down, and he just looks more afraid then before. That’s when I realized… he was afraid of me. He said “Lureen, I’m alright. I just gotta piss” and got up out of bed. I went to turn over, but then I noticed he was walking a little funny, so I turned on the lamp. He was bleedin’ out of…  back there, ya know? Her cheeks flushed slightly as she admitted that personal tidbit.

 So I look at the sheets and there’s a stain on ‘em, sure ‘nough. That’s when I knew.”

_Jesus Henry Christ! That’s worse than Alma leavin’ that note in my creel case:  least she ain’t never had any proof._ Ennis thought, oblivious to the fact that Alma had, in fact, incontestable proof of his relationship with Jack. 

“Ma’am… ya gotta know that I feel real sorry for ya.” 

“Just stop. I don’t want it. I don’t want yer sympathy. I don’t need it. Nobody did this t’me, I could’ve packed up and left with Bobby when I knew. I been fuckin’ my friend’s husband ferdamn near a dozen years now. Ya just need to take him with you, he ain’t mine no more.” After this long speech, her face turned an odd shade of green and she chuckled slightly, mumbling “he never was” under breath, although Ennis never heard it.

His mouth remained tightly closed, another apology trapped between his well-worn jaws. The two of then remained sitting awkwardly in the kitchen, the scent of the now-spent joint filling the stuffy air, the silence between them was pregnant with grief and anger. Grief for what could have been, anger for what reality had become for them.

* * *

 

After about an hour, the _clomp clomp clomp_ of Jack’s fancy cowboy boots were heard thundering back down the stairs, and a few grunts and curses of frustration accompanied them. Jack showed up in the kitchen a few moments later, his hair all askew and a lusty fire in his eyes.

_Shit!_  Ennis thought, looking worriedly at Lureen to see if she had noticed Jack’s tell-tale bedroom eyes. She seemed very tired, and was sort of slumped in her chair like this was breaking her heart. She yawned, stretched and then looked up at her husband blankly.

“Well, I’ll see y’all to the door.” She murmured standing and staring between the two men. 

Jack kept right on with his desire-filled stare, which was making the crotch of Ennis’ worn jeans suddenly very snug. 

_Want ya so bad, Ennis. Want ya in a big, warm bed with lots of pillows. I want to snuggle up under real blankets on a soft mattress and listen to you breathe. I’m sick of lying on a frozen ground in a stinky ol’ sleepin’ bag, freezing my ass off! Now that you’re here, we won’t never have to sleep on the ground again. God… he looks like a glass of water. Those slim, powerful legs that can carry him so far… those tight shoulders, like he’s sprung up to attack all the time… those big, calloused hands that can be as gentle as a feather when he wants ‘em to be…. that beautiful face. That’s what he is… beautiful. He’s like an angel or a spirit, his face is so gorgeous. It almost hurts me to see the wrinkles there, see how hard his life has been on him. Those fleshy, pink lips that are always in that tight little line, like the words inside of him are fightin’ to get out… why can’t he just tell me how he feels? Oh… guess his cock is startin’ to take notice of how much I like lookin’ at him. Shit! We can’t be getting’ riled up in my godamn house, gotta get outta here._

Both men were snapped out of their lustful reverie when Bobby showed up behind Jack with a suitcase and a duffle bag.

“Here dad, don’t want to ferget yer stuff.” He drawled quietly, his eyes drawn to the floor in fear of Ennis.

Ennis sighed for a minute, but when Jack widened his cerulean eyes ever so subtly, Ennis attempted to make amends for his earlier outburst.

“ Listen son, you seem like… uh, mmm… you seem like a real nice fella.” He muttered, looking at the shiny tips of Jack’s rust-colored cowboy boots instead of looking the boy in the eyes.

Bobby didn’t say anything, just looked at his mom for help. He was so confused, he just didn’t understand this man and what he stood for, or how his dad could love him more than his mother. 

Jack coughed and subtly elbowed his son when the silence became awkward, and Bobby cleared his throat and thanked Ennis, then gave his dad a hug and they left.

 

* * *

 

Ennis got into his beat up old truck without hesitation, tucking his long thin legs in gently; he was getting older and the silent cab was filled with the snapping and popping of his old bones. He was just about to start the truck and back out Jack’s fancy driveway when the passenger door opened.

“What the hell are ya’ doin’ Ennis?” Jack asked, an amused grin lighting up his eyes in a way that they hadn’t shone in years.

“Uh… getttin’ in my truck so we can get the hell outta here…?”

“I got a tow rigged up on mine. I don’t think that truck is gonna last fer much longer.” He said, letting in the spring night air as he spoke in the open door.

“Where… where are we goin’? My truck will take me wherever it needs to. Don’t need yer charity.” Ennis was shutting down already, and Jack let out an exasperated sigh.

_Godamn this man for bein’ so stubborn! Cain’t he tell I’m tryin’ to be nice? Does he even know I’m happy this is how things are workin’ out?_

“GODAMN IT ENNIS!” Jack shouted, banging his hand on the top of Ennis’ truck.

Ennis saw a curtain flicker across the street and he began to get worried.

“Cut it out Jack! Just tell me where we’re goin’ and I’ll follow you.” He whispered, an apology was shining in his eyes. 

“Fine. We’re headin’ to the Cariño Motel, it’s about 30 miles out of town on the side of the highway. Just follow me.” He sighed, pushing away from the truck and getting into his fancy black one.

With a rumble and a cloud of dust, Jack drove away from everything he’d built to be with the one person he couldn’t build it all with.

 

* * *

 

 

Ennis sat on the bed while Jack took a shower, feeling awkward. It had only been four days since they’d last fucked, but he was feeling nervous because he was planning on giving up a large part of himself to Jack tonight. Jack  left the door open in an invitation, and Old-Spice scented steam was curling into the room like long, lusty fingers.

Ennis stood, and shucked his clothes, folding them haphazardly and placing them on a chair. He went into his jacket pocket and took out the tube of KY he had bought yesterday at a gas station and tossed it onto the bed.

Ennis stepped into the motel bathroom, not exactly impressed with the conditions inside. The floor looked like it needed a good mopping, the counter was slightly grey and the sink had a long L-shaped crack in the cheap porcelain. He stopped to glance at himself in the mirror, something he didn’t do very often, since his house only had one. He had been meaning to buy a trailer before all this got started; the house was too big for him, even though most people might call it cramped. He figured he’d take Jack back there with him for the time being… after that he didn’t know where they would go. 

So, as he looked into his tired brown eyes and saw happiness in them, he was shocked. His eyes traveled over his bare chest, and his ribs and collarbone jutted out like smooth rocks, stretching his lightly freckled skin over them. _I dunno what that man sees in me. I look like death._

He was startled by Jack pulling back the shower curtain and wiggling a finger at him suggestively.

“Get the water while it’s hot, cowboy.” He said, staring at Ennis with unmasked lust.

Ennis strode over to the shower and stepped in facing him, so that their toes were kissing. Droplets of water were winking up at him where they perched on Jack’s moustache.

He tilted his chin down a little bit so that their noses were caressing, and felt his cock harden fully. He tentatively stuck out his pink tongue to lick the water out of Jack’s moustache. As soon as he connected with Jack’s bristly hairs, he went wild, nipping and biting at his lips until his face burned.

“Ohhhhh” Jack moaned.

Suddenly Jack broke the kiss and whipped his hair back wildly. Their lips were still touching, so when Jack started to speak it drove Ennis insane.

“We ain’t showered together since the cabin…” He started, drawing a hand lazily up Ennis’ gleaming chest to circle around a nipple for a little pinch. 

“Uhhhhh… yeah that was real nice…” Ennis groaned, trying to sneak his way back into Jack’s mouth.

“Guess I oughta thank ya for stayin’ with me while I was pukin’ my guts out.” Jack murmured, and with another nipple tweak, he was suddenly on his knees in front of Ennis. 

Ennis was trying to protest because he wanted this night to be about _them_ and not about himself when Jack started to lick his balls.

“Mmm… you taste so sweet. Like summer rain… like home. God, I could lick you all day.” He teased, dragging his tongue back and forth across them. The water that was pelting into Ennis was rolling off of him and onto Jack, bathing Jack in his essence.

Jack reached his hands around to Ennis’ ass and dug his fingers in tightly while he let go of his balls and moved his mouth towards his looming erection. Ennis was certainly not a small man, but he and Jack were equally matched in that effect, so they were used to it by now.

“Jack… I’m gonna come if you keep on doin’ what yer doin’.” Ennis managed to pant out between moans and groans. Jack looked up at him then, with his lips wrapped around the head of Ennis’ cock and his tongue fucking his slit, and the lust and passion that crackled between their stare seemed to go straight to his balls.

“No, I’m not gonna let you.” Jack said evenly, and then he clenched his fingers around the base of Ennis’ dick so that he couldn’t climax. Their eyes were still locked on each other and Jack watched as his cowboy’s eyes widened and he began to shake, too far gone to do more than whimper and moan in pleasure and desperation. After giving his lover a minute to compose himself, Jack removed his lips from their previous position and held his hand up towards Ennis’ face, so that his fingers were brushing the fleshy barrier of his lips.

“I wanna touch you…. back there. I know that yer scared, but… I think you’ll really like it. It feels fuckin’ amazin. Trust me bud.” Ennis didn’t look all that alarmed and he nodded his head in consent. But inside, Ennis was starting to doubt how gay he really was. If he let Jack do this to him, strip him of the one thing that he allowed to be virginal… there was no going back for him. He couldn’t pretend that Jack was just a warm, tight hole anymore, not if Jack was the one fucking him. He gulped the fear down and let desire take over.

“Lick ‘em.” Jack said, his breath teasing his lover’s dripping cock as he wiggled his fingers in Ennis’ face.

Ennis sucked the long, slender fingers into his mouth and rolled his tongue against them, causing Jack to make a low hissing sound. 

“Fuuck.” He groaned, trying to rub his untouched dick against Ennis’ dripping calf.

Ennis let his lubed fingers go after a minute, and they left his mouth with a loud popping sound.

Jack circled them around Ennis’ hole, massaging it gently so that he would get used to being touched.

“Feel good?” He whispered delicately.

_Jesus fuckin Christ Jack fuckin’ Twist are you tryna kill me..ohh shit.. don’t stop, don’t stop don’t stop! How come we didn’t do this all those years ago? What have I been missin out on? Don’t think about what this means… just enjoy it. Don’t mean nothin’! Maybe I was wrong, maybe I still ain’t queer._

“Yess.” Ennis hissed, clamping his bottom lip between his teeth to keep from shouting out.

“Gonna slip one in, okay?”

Ennis opened his eyes and looked at Jack, and he felt the love that blossomed every time he saw his face. That was all the confirmation Jack needed.

Jack found that special spot inside of Ennis, massaged it with his finger until bright lights were popping in front of Ennis’ eyes, he had never felt ecstasy in such a raw form.

“More.” He said, his voice quivering with restraint as Jack introduced his second finger to the massage. After a few more minutes, they were both lying on the bed, hair dripping onto the cheap duvet as they devoured each other with rapture.

Ennis’ heart was beating as fast as a bird's and felt as though he would explode from all the sensory input. His body was telling him that this was right, this was where he belonged, but his brain was telling him that this was wrong. With a sigh, he shut off his mind and focused on the pleasure and the rhythm his lover was setting up.

“Jack… I… I … uh… I want ya to…”

“Are you sure? ‘Cuz friend, I don’t think I can stop if we get started.” Jack breathed, pulling his fingers from where they were teasing Ennis and sticking them into his mouth again.

“Mm. I definitely won’t be able to.” Jack said around the fingers, like he tasted like the world’s best red velvet cake.

“I’m sure. Just… I need ya… I need ya inside of me. I wanna feel ya.”

* * *

 

After Jack finished, he flopped down with a groan and a sigh. He turned his head towards Ennis’ so that they could share a post-coital kiss, but when he looked at his face his heart stopped. Ennis looked like he might throw up, when only moments before he was literally screaming with pleasure. Jack propped himself up and felt the world come crashing back down to him.

_Ennis, why’d ya tell me ya wanted me to do it if it was gonna make ya upset? It felt so godamn good, I know that you liked it! We been waitin’ too long for this moment, and now he’s terrified. God, this is all my fault. I just ruined him, I ruined us. Finally I was gonna be happy, but then I started thinkin’ with my pecker and look where we are! Right back to square one!_

“En?” He whispered, reaching out to caress his face.

“Shit.” Ennis moaned, and then his stomach made an odd gurgling noise and he sprang from the bed and raced to the bathroom, moaning on the way.

Jack jumped up to follow him, deeply concerned, when the bathroom door was slammed in his face and the lock was clicked.

“Ennis? Are ya alright? I didn’t hurt ya too bad, did I?”

“Ohh… go back to bed Jack! Stop treatin’ me like a damn woman!”

Jack sighed and leaned his back against the door

 Ennis ran to the bathroom because he felt like his entire digestive track was going to explode. He sat on the toilet and groaned as he pushed out all he had inside of him, and was overcome with shame. He didn’t know if this was normal, didn’t understand why this didn’t happen to Jack their first time. That had been rough and without lubricant, and he certainly hadn’t taken into account if Jack was full back there or not… man sex was an entirely different beast from woman sex.

“Hey Ennis?” Jack murmured softly through the thin wooden door.

“GO AWAY JACK!” He shouted back, thoroughly embarrassed.

“Ennis… it’s normal. I shoulda warned ya. Sometimes, if uh… ya know… and you’re not really… uh… listen, it’s okay that this is happenin.’ Ya might bleed a little bit too…”

“Godammit, will ya just leave me alone?”

_Cain’t he tell I’m embarrassed? Holy Christ that was amazing. Didn’t realize there was a magic spot inside o’ me like that…. How did he last fer so long? Felt like we was waves in the ocean, crashin' together in time with the tide... why’m I thinkin’ silly thoughts like that? I sure ain’t no poet, but that man is makin’ me into one._

“Alright, but I ain’t goin’ to bed until I know yer okay.” Jack replied, and Ennis sighed in relief and shame.

When he emerged a few moments later, walking funny and flushed redder than a tomato, Jack just took his hand and led him back to their rickety old rented mattress. The men hardly ever shared affectionate gestures such as hand holding, but Ennis was grateful for the intimacy now. He didn’t know where they were going or what they would do, but as long as Jack fuckin’ Twist was holding his hand he would follow him wherever he led.

“You okay?” Jack asked, once they were bedded down and facing each other.

“Uh-huh. Little sore.” 

“Yeah, it hurts like the devil the first time, but ya get used to it. Was it uh.. good fer ya?”  Jack looked like a twelve year old kid asking his mother for some pocket change to buy a gumball with.

“It was real nice Jack. Didn’t know that ya… could make me feel that way. I was just… just a little scared after.”

Jack’s face lit up into a grin that would rival the Cheshire cat’s.

“We can pick up some medicine that will make your pretty lil’ ass feel better in the mornin’.” Jack said as he rubbed his thumb up and down Ennis’ jaw. 

Ennis blushed at the compliment and looked down at the worn sheet underneath him.

“’Night Jack.”

“G'night Ennis.”

Jack rolled over and started snoring almost instantly, but Ennis laid awake for many hours, silently praying to God for strength. He prayed for the strength to make Jack happy, he prayed for the strength to stay, because even in a warm bed next to the man he loved, he felt dread welling up in the pit of his belly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick cultural note: you might be wondering about Lureen smoking pot so casually. Well, this was during a time period when pot was pretty common and since they were close to the border... I thought it was fitting that a woman as strong as Lureen would turn to some sort of comfort in substantial form. :)


End file.
